a healing heart

our beautiful baby shower.

our beautiful baby shower.

Our baby shower was last weekend. It was hosted by my godmother, sister-in-law, and mom, and we chose to make it co-ed. And it was exquisite. Held in my godmother’s backyard, late on a sunny California afternoon, they had an impeccable spread of upscale Mexican food and sweets, and a bartender serving sangria, margaritas and mocktails. So many of our friends and family came out, including many that traveled in for the weekend to celebrate with us. The day felt so loving, magical, and surreal.

As I tried to take in and savor each moment, I couldn’t help but be reminded of the baby shower I threw for my sister-in-law exactly a year ago. A year ago, when I was still in so much pain, but trying with everything I could to focus on the happiness I felt at the little boy that my family was gaining, and not on the babies I had lost. I wanted desperately to feel joy for my brother and for my parents, and the little steps I took in that direction felt monumental. So many moments I thought I was okay, and tried to convince myself that I was okay. So much pressure that I put on myself to be okay. But looking back now, I can see so clearly how much pain I was in, and how much more I had to go to heal.

At our shower the two little boys who shared the due dates of my two angels, my nephew and my best friend’s son, were together in front of me for the first time. It felt odd to see them together, and although I tried not to think about it, I felt a tug to my heart. The next morning, I woke with my two angel babies on my mind, and in the afterglow of such a beautiful party, I felt a sadness for them. They never had the opportunity to be celebrated in this way.

But, despite those reminders, what really struck me was how much my heart had healed.

At the same time that this pregnancy has been a long road of tangled emotions where I’ve been forced to face past trauma, confront fears, and search for elusive bits of equanimity, it has also been healing. Every day, as I’ve been working through these emotions, I’ve been working on finding peace and closing a chapter. Even where I still struggle, I know I’ve made progress. I still flinch at unexpected pregnancy announcements on Facebook. I still make assumptions that others have had an easier path to a baby than me, and I still let it sting. I still tear up at the word ‘miscarriage’, in any context, whether it’s a personal story, a brief mention in a TV show, or a magazine article. I still hold my breath at every prenatal appointment, as my OB searches for my boy’s heartbeat.

But I’ve also learned how to acknowledge these moments without letting them tear me apart. I can acknowledge the pain, without carrying the pain so deeply. I can see my nephew and my best friend’s son playing together in the yard, let it remind me of my own angel babies and spend a moment reflecting on them, and then smile that my nephew and my best friend and so many others have gathered around to celebrate the baby I will soon get to meet. I can reflect on the shower I threw a year ago, and remember the pain without seeping in the pain. I can feel in these moments how far my heart has come in its journey to mend, and how my identity is shifting. I no longer walk around with a swirling sensation of loss and defectiveness, but rather I feel like someone capable of creating life with a near effortless pregnancy.

Our baby shower felt like such a beautiful expression of love; for my husband and me, for our unborn baby, for the family we are creating. Surrounded by so many of the same people who rallied and supported us during our dark days, they were now there to celebrate our happiness. Days like our baby shower help us bask in the joy, and help us feel that no matter the struggle and the hardships we face, the universe will ultimately be good to us.

And the fight is so worth it.

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24 thoughts on “a healing heart

  1. Everything about this post is beautiful! You HAVE come so far and your angels will always hold a special place in your heart, that will never change, no matter what happens or how much time passes.

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  2. Wow you look gorgeous and it looks like it was a wonderful shower. You are so right that the reminders of what was lost are always there, but the joy that your little one will bring you will just fill your heart with happiness.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m so glad you had such a beautiful shower! And that you’ve been able to heal from your losses and find a bit of peace with things. How long do you have until your little one arrives? I can’t remember when your due date is…

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  4. I couldn’t even begin to tell you how much your post resonates with my own situations. Pregnancy after loss is so incredibly hard. You are reminded constantly of what you could have had via others, still experience the shock and awe of others pregnancy announcements and are terrified something is going to go wrong.

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  5. It is such a pleasure (occasionally bittersweet as it may be) to witness the distance you have travelled, the healing strides you have made, the love that surrounds you, your partner and this baby boy, and the growing peacefulness in your writing. You are so close to holding this baby in your arms. Holding tenderly the love for those you lost is part of what opens your heart to love your little boy freely and boundlessly. I’m so glad you’ve found your way and that peace and hope his birth only brightens the deep love you already feel.

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  6. It looks like you had an amazing day and you looked beautiful. I love your dress.
    I can understand how the day would have been joyous and somewhat wistful at the same time. I think those feelings are natural and your angels will be with you forever. I’d like to think that your angels are looking over their baby brother, helping to keep him safe, I think they will be his guardian angels all his life 🙂 They are always with you because you carry them in your heart always and that is beautiful.

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  7. I have so enjoyed following your blog. I, like many others found your blog because I was desperate to find hope somewhere in the mess of miscarriage and surgeries. I am so happy that you are almost to the end of your journey with this pregnancy and get to meet your little one. I am still waiting for that day but do enjoy seeing positive outcomes.

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  8. I have read this post about thirty times in the ladt month. It resonates so much with me. I tried to describe my similar feelings on mu blog and ended up posting a link to this post because you captured where I am so well.

    I can actually say and almost believe that a year from now I look forward to seeing how much more progress was made and how much more happiness was achieved. And that is more than I thought I would be able to say. Thank you.

    Nicole
    pcosandpizza.blogspot.com

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    • I’m glad it resonated with you, and wishing you lots of peace and happiness for the duration of your pregnancy. I really understand all the emotional ups and downs, but I truly believe you’ll get there soon ❤ Thank you for linking to my post!

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