crawling slowly to the 2nd trimester

Everything has been going well with the little babe. But it’s been over a week since the last scan, so my nerves and fears and paranoia and anxiety is back.

We had the NT scan last Thursday at the Perinatal Diagnostic Center. The sweet ultrasound tech, named Carlos, performed the scan, taking his time and explaining what he was doing the entire time. The nuchal fold measured less than 1mm (anything under 3mm is considered low-risk). He went on to check the basic anatomy of the baby, assuring us that all looked good. He checked to make sure there were two legs and two arms. He showed us the baby’s hands and together we counted all ten fingers. He measured the crown to rump length and we saw the baby was measuring 5 days ahead with a heart rate of 174. He tapped my belly to get the baby to move around and into the positions he needed to take all his measurements. At one point, the baby fell asleep, and so he gave my belly a few small thumps to wake him/her up from its snooze. The baby woke up, moved around a bit and then…began rubbing its eyes.

My husband and I melted. It was such a human response.

As the ultrasound tech continued to take various measurements, he stopped to point out to me that my uterus was contracting. We could see the contractions on the ultrasound and it was blocking images of the baby that the ultrasound tech needed. He told me contractions were normal and would probably subside within a few hours, and that it can sometimes happen if the mother is overly tense or anxious.

My eyes filled with tears. Which doesn’t take much these days.

I know it’s normal to be anxious at a scan like this, but anything that reminds me that I am overly tense or anxious reminds my of why I’m feeling this way. And then I feel vulnerable, damaged, and weepy.

When the ultrasound tech realized that I was so nervous, he started trying to assure me, in his sweet calm way, that everything he was seeing so far was really good. My husband squeezed my hand. 

And even my anxiety couldn’t stop me from grinning ear to ear watching our little babe on the screen, moving all around, dancing, and being adorable.

When the scan was over, the doctor came in to talk to us about the results of our blood test. She said our results came back with the lowest risk for downs syndrome she had seen in a really, really long time. She said she had just been in the hallway marveling at the results with the other nurses. My husband and I just stared at each other with stunned happiness. I felt like I had just won a prize. But whenever I get good news, I immediately think of my friends and readers and fellow bloggers who perhaps have not gotten that same good news recently, and I feel guilty. At the same time I feel so happy and relieved, my heart also breaks a little. In those moments, I feel so close to the pain and heartache that so many others have felt, and that I have felt so many times before.

And once again, the confidence I felt that day, after seeing a strong baby and receiving good test results, has slowly faded over the last week. Even though we have made it so far and are so close to making to the 2nd trimester, a place I’ve been desperately seeking for so long, I still feel the same uncertainty as I did when I first got that positive test. I know if it were anyone else I would have no doubts at this point that they would be holding their healthy baby in about six months. But I still feel so vulnerable, so scared that some way and some how this baby will still get taken away from me.

I have to remind myself everyday of all the positive news we’ve received over the last two months, all the statistics that are in our favor, and that at no point has our baby given us a reason to think he/she is not a fighter and a surviver.

And today, I am 13 weeks pregnant.

After 22 months, 3 positive pregnancy tests, 2 miscarriages, 2 surgeries, 1 D&C, 5 doctors, and countless tests and procedures, I have finally completed my very first twelve week eternity.

For that I am filled with awe and gratitude. And as always, keeping hope.

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38 thoughts on “crawling slowly to the 2nd trimester

  1. So happy to hear that everything is looking fabulous with the little one! I hope that you will be able to find some peace very soon though, I know it’s so much easier said than done though. Congrats on a great scan and wonderful test results! Hope that makes your holidays even happier! 🙂

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  2. So so happy for you. I was just thinking about you today and hoping for an update. All this is amazing news. I hope the next six months fly by for you but are filled with moments of awe and happiness.

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  3. I’m so happy you got such wonderful news and a great scan. I truly hope your anxieties will fade but I know it must be hard to get over the traumas you’ve faced. Congrats for your success of making through the twelve week eternity!

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  4. I am thrilled to hear that the scan went so well!! I am just so happy for you to have made it through the first twelve weeks! I completely understand your nerves and fears, but I hope with time you will be able to relax and enjoy more peaceful weeks.

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  5. Woohoo! I am so excited for you!!! I know it is hard to hold on to the hope and excitement after so many bad experiences. Stress can be really bad for you though. I would do anything you can to try and relax, please don’t kill me for using that toxic word because I know how much I hate when others tell me too. Please don’t think I am strange, but I have started meditation and it has really helped me with stress. I am now able to calm myself just by stopping and taking a minute or two and breathing and focussing. I had a medical the other day and my blood pressure was up because I was feeling anxious (basically if I didn’t pass the medical I didn’t get the job – no pressure right?!). I asked the tech for a minute of silence and was able to close my eyes and breathe (with him sitting right there), after a minute or two I asked him to take it again and it was textbook.
    Do whatever you need to in order to find some peace and relieve your anxieties, it doesn’t matter how you seem to others, they don’t matter. All that matters is your health and your babies health, they are directly linked. I have faith in you. 🙂

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  6. Congrats on the perfect scan! I am thrilled to hear how wonderfully baby is doing. You’re almost to the second tri and I hope your fears and worry begin to ease. I share so many of the same unsettling worry thanks to RPL. For what it’s worth, you are not alone. Wishing you a very happy holiday and happy 13 weeks!

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  7. I’m so glad that you have made it to this point. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier and less nerve-wracking, but the truth is, it doesn’t. When baby arrives then you get a whole new set of worries. But just know that it is normal, and healthy, and a sign that you are gonna be a great mama!

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  8. I can relate and it saddens me that the fear is omnipresent for you too. I need to say this even if you cannot embrace it: this baby is different. This baby is here to stay. Your fear and worry won’t change that and does not mean you love or want baby any less (quite the contrary). Be where you are. And when you can, know that this baby is doing all she or he can to change the course of history forever for you. I believe this with all my heart.

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    • Thank you so much. I really needed to hear this! Your words have been echoing in my mind all morning, especially that this baby is here to stay. I keep repeating it to myself, and it is really soothing. Thank you so much for your empathy and kindness. Wishing all the same for you and that you find as much peace as possible as you navigate your own pregnancy ❤

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