my tiny dancer

After my big panic moment last week, I decided to spend this following week choosing to believe everything was ok. I still battled moments of worry and concern, and the inevitable thoughts of panic would enter my mind, but I decided to let them have their momentary space and then I chased them away. I managed to stay relatively calm until my ultrasound yesterday, when all the inevitable nerves came flooding towards me.

Little babe measured 9w3d and was dancing up a storm. The baby was so active that even the nurse and doctor were laughing. Little arms flailing around, looking like a video game avatar from the 70’s. My husband proceeded to imitate the little one’s frenetic dancing for the rest of the day, for my endless amusement.

And with that, graduation time. I’ve been officially released from my RE and will visit a regular OB for a scan next week. I love my doctor and the entire staff and am so sad to go even though I know it’s a great thing to be released. I’ve never encountered a doctor’s office that was so organized, compassionate, friendly, and as well run as this one. My RE has been amazing and I wish she were the one that could deliver my baby. 

Saying goodbye felt surreal. My entire journey flashed before my eyes as I hugged my doctor goodbye. I felt elated to be moving on with such hope, but I still carry the baggage from the past two years. I felt like crying and I didn’t know if it was from happiness, feeling overwhelmed, or saying goodbye to such an intense chapter. The idea that I could become just another normal pregnant lady sitting in just another regular OB’s office was hard to grasp.

After the scan, I finally got the guts to walk into a maternity store, to buy a much needed belly band. My pants no longer fit comfortably, or at all. I perused the store awkwardly, feeling like a fraud. As I left with a giant “A Pea in the Pod” shopping bag, which included a free welcome gift of baby bottles and gadgets and coupons, I tried to breathe through my feelings of discomfort and imagine myself as normal. Someone who’s not afraid that what they just purchased will serve solely as a reminder of what was lost should something go awry. Someone who’s feeling a normal swelling of the belly for 9-1/2 weeks pregnant and needs more comfortable clothing. I left the store with my giant bag and as I walked down the street, on another sunny, warm California day, with Christmas carols playing on the streets as if coming from the skies, I put my hand on my belly and thought, just enjoy this moment.

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36 thoughts on “my tiny dancer

  1. So very happy for you!!! I remember reading your post a while back about the Castor oil packs for cysts. I tried that a few times last month when I sat out a cycle due to a cyst. How quickly do things turn around for the better! Thank you for sharing your journey. I look forward to seeing more big belly updates. Xx

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  2. So so very happy. Since I started reading IF blogs, your story is one of a few stories that has stayed with me on a weekly basis. I so often felt myself just wishing and pleading for this news for you. I am celebrating with a glass of champagne tonight since (thankfully) you cannot drink!!

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  3. Hooray for happy, dancing babies!! I know it’s so much easier said than done, but try to keep willing yourself to not panic and freak out. Try not to think about everything that can go wrong, just live in the moment, and know that right now you are pregnant, and that’s all that matters. 🙂

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  4. I was so excited to see your post come up today! I assumed it has happy given the title implied happiness to me, but I was so happy to read that the little one is doing so well and that you were able to go get yourself some much needed maternity clothing!! I’m just so happy for you!! 🙂

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  5. This brought me to tears because I have so many of the same fears at war with my hope. I wanted to buy some belly cream the other day but didn’t because I was afraid it would serve as a reminder should something go wrong. I’m so happy your little one is doing so well and that you have chosen hope over fear. Congrats!!!

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  6. Your post takes me back to those feelings of concern over the one thing in the world you want the most…a healthy, full term baby. Those concerns will go away. Don’t let them rob of you feeling pre joy for your tiny dancer. So happy for you!!

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    • I feel the same way about “jinxing” the pregnancy. We are telling my in-laws this week over Thanksgiving, and I’m worried even that will “jinx” us! I have to keep reminding myself of how many good scans we’ve had, and how much the odds are in our favor. Eek!

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  7. Yay, tiny dancer! Keep it up! Absolutely enjoy this hon. Oh, I know your fear and have felt it on and off throughout my pregnancy too and with only 5 weeks left until my c-section, I still get anxious from time to time, but it does get easier with every milestone you pass. That anxious feeling before ultrasounds went away once I could feel little man move all the time. Sending you lots of love and support.

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  8. I love that we are so close together! When is your due date? Mine is July 5th. I have been struggling with these same feelings, it’s an every day decision to remind ourselves that TODAY we are pregnant. If it makes you feel better, my nausea has come and gone as well (really haven’t had much at all this week) and I have also had a couple of waves of strong cramps that freaked me out. After my post last night I had a small panic knowing that my next ultrasound is not one week away, but two. I have also purchased some belly bands and I will seriously probably be needing them really soon! 😀 This is so exciting!!!

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    • I love that we are so close together too! My due date is June 28th 🙂 It’s good to know that your nausea also comes and goes, and that cramping can happen and be normal. Since we can’t feel our babies yet, all we have is over-analyzing our symptoms to try and figure out what’s going on – but they can be so misleading! Excited to hear about your next ultrasound, and sending positive thoughts your way! ❤

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