8w3d and a major panic attack

On Friday night, I started getting cramps. I have felt many twinges, pulls, and the odd pain here and there, but these cramps alarmed me. A shooting pain that felt like my uterus contracting, occurring every few minutes, which continued for most of the night. I cried myself to sleep, thinking it was over.

On Saturday, I felt so nauseous that I managed to convince myself everything was ok. On Sunday morning I threw up. But after that, I started to feel better, my nausea abating to the point I started to fret again. As I felt better and better as the day went on, the knot in my stomach and dread I was feeling got worse and worse. By nighttime, I was convinced. Between the cramps I felt on Friday and the loss of my symptoms, I went into a total spiral of despair. I was 100%, without a doubt convinced it was over. I laid in bed with my husband and cried. “This is bad. I really think this is bad. I’m not nauseous!! Why aren’t I nauseous?!” I couldn’t believe I ever had the audacity to complain about the morning sickness. It was such a beautiful thing! And I desperately wanted it back. 

My husband took my face in his hands. “Avocados. Scrambled eggs. The smell of the refrigerator…” He continued listing all the things that had turned my stomach and sent my running for the toilet the past few weeks. I laughed at first, which quickly turned to more tears. “It’s not working!!” I said in total despair. 

On Monday morning I woke at 5:30am to use the bathroom, realized I still didn’t feel nauseous, and continued panicking. I cried in bed and couldn’t fall back asleep. I felt crippled with dread; I couldn’t imagine going through another loss. I had come so far in my healing in the last year and I didn’t want to start over, having to face all those complicated feelings again, having my heart ripped out, having to start the grieving process all over again. Incredibly quickly I slipped into a dark place, unable to even think about having to function or face my day. I called my RE as soon as the office was open and begged to move my Wednesday ultrasound to as soon as possible.

By 10:15am I was in the ultrasound room holding my husband’s hand, heart pounding, stomach in knots. I believed with everything I had that our little babe’s heart had stopped beating. That Friday night’s cramps was a harbinger of its demise, and the lessening of the nausea was just confirmation. I tried to prepare myself for when I had to hear those horrible words come out of my doctors mouth: I’m sorry, but there is no heartbeat.

But by 10:30am, we heard that beautiful thumping sound again. Our little one’s heart was still beating. I felt shock and relief wash over me, and then I just cried. I couldn’t believe what I had just put myself through. I had never felt so insane, so damaged. My sweet RE has probably seen this over and over in patients with a history of loss, as she seemed to almost expect it. Even with her packed schedule, she told me she knew she had to squeeze us in. “You’ve been through a lot,” she told us, and gave me a hug.

Our babe measured 8 weeks, 2 days (according to my LMP I should be 8w1d) with a heart rate of 164. And our baby is finally starting to look human-like, with a giant head and two tiny feet, somewhat resembling a misshapen sour patch kid. My husband and I couldn’t stop giggling at how cute it was. We are so used to only seeing a lentil-sized blob on our ultrasounds, and never had anything develop beyond that. Seeing it actually look like a baby blew our minds. “OUR BABY HAS A F*CKING HEAD!!” my husband texted me later, “I need some time to process this” he joked.

I realized too, that on Thursday I started taking B6 to help with the nausea. I had low expectations of it actually working, but thought I would try it first before moving on to other drugs. I have no idea if that is why my nausea has subsided, but if it is that means that I basically begged my doctor for something to help my nausea, and then when it worked I went into a tailspin thinking I was miscarrying. Which again, makes me feel like a crazy person. 

As I thought back on my meltdown, I realized that with my first two pregnancies, this is when they ended.  We’ve never really made it past 8 weeks. I hadn’t been thinking consciously about that, because even with our first ultrasound we measured larger than we ever had before, so I feel like we’ve already surpassed the first two. But somewhere within, I was aware, and the timing signaled to me that this one was coming to its own end.

But nope, not yet. Our little one is a fighter.

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22 thoughts on “8w3d and a major panic attack

  1. I’m taking diclegis which is b6 and unisom, and it’s made a huge difference in my MS, so yes, it makes total sense that you started feeling better. I’m sorry you had a tailspin but it’s totally understandable 🙂 try to stay calm momma 🙂

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      • I was distressed at first when it started to work. It’s like, I work 50 hours a week, I HAVE to have some MS relief, but it was comforting when it was there. So I totally get it. It’s hard to cope, and you have more reasons to be antsy than I do. i think I’m just crazy. You’ve had some pretty serious trauma.

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  2. I am so excited that you were just being a crazy person and your little one is still growing perfectly! 🙂
    Honestly, I understand the freakouts, I suspect you will have them frequently. But, clearly you have an amazing husband to lean on, and clearly he will continue to try to help pick you up and love you and your baby no matter what!
    Wishing you continued happy ultrasounds and baby milestones.

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  3. oh my goodness my heart was racing as I read through your post. I am so thankful that everything is okay! Praying for you sugars! Praying for strength and peace to come flooding into your soul and worry, fear, and anxiety to flee. xo

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  4. B6 totally make a difference. I’m so sorry you suffered through days of despair and dread; I can relate so my heart goes out to you. I am so glad baby has a head and is thriving despite the inevitable anxiety you have and may yet experience growing him/her. 😉

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  5. I think your fears and anxiety are completely normal. I too had a panic attack this weekend (thank you google) and I don’t know that those feelings of waiting for the other shoe to drop leave us easily after multiple losses and infertility. My cousin told me that the innocence of pregnancy has been stolen from me and I think it’s very accurate for those who have walked our path. I’m so, so glad to hear everything turned out just fine and the baby is healthy and growing on track!

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  6. I think you’ve learned a valuable first trimester nugget of wisdom: “When you *assume* you make an *ass* out of *u* and *me*”. About this time (I was 10 weeks) my anxiety got the best of me and I started to see a counselor who focuses on prenatal/pregnant/postpartum counseling, and it really has helped. XOXO

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  7. Ahh, how scary! However, I can’t tell you how happy I am that your RE got you in sooner, and the worry was for nothing! I can totally understand your thoughts and fears and I can guarantee this might not be the last, and THAT IS OK! 🙂 So happy to hear that baby looks more like a baby 🙂 XO

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  8. I’m so sorry you had a scare hon. It’s so hard to not worry between appointments and so glad your doctor got you in for a scan! I’m so happy everything is okay with baby! Your little one really is a fighter! Just keep telling yourself that every time you get scared. And as soon as you get a little further along, I totally recommend a home doppler. It will really help ease your mind between appointments. I know mine really did for me. Hugs. ❤️

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