nerves, naps, & nausea

The elation and optimism I felt after last week’s successful ultrasound lasted exactly 48 hours. Since then, I’ve been bouncing between total terror, all-consuming nausea, and sheer exhaustion.

This is my first foray into morning sickness, which I didn’t have with my first two pregnancies. I might have had a bout of mild nausea here and there, but I think it was mostly a product of wishful thinking. This time around, I’m nauseous all the time. It wakes me up in the middle of the night, and makes getting up in the morning a monumental task. I’m having food aversions to literally every single food. I can barely walk into my kitchen without gagging.

I am grateful for the nausea and it is without a doubt reassuring, although not as much as I would have thought and hoped. And in the rare moments when the nausea lessens, I completely panic, and a feeling of impending doom takes over. Sometimes I feel like I’m walking around with a secret. When my close friends and family continue to be optimistic and excited about this one sticking, I respond with a smile and feigned enthusiasm. But there’s a little nagging feeling in my gut that makes me feel like I know something they don’t know. A nagging feeling that tells me that this one may not last either.

I know the morning sickness is the best possible thing I could be experiencing right now, but ironically it’s part of what’s making me feel so overwhelmed. When I don’t feel well, I have a harder time tackling life and staying strong. I need physical stamina to have mental stamina. But right now, I want to vomit and then take a nap and wake up in about 6 weeks.

Tomorrow is ultrasound #2. Once again, I am terrified. It is so hard to imagine things going as it should when that’s never been your experience. To hear a heart still beating, to see an embryo still growing…please may we be introduced to that phenomenon tomorrow.

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36 thoughts on “nerves, naps, & nausea

  1. This is the one time when I think feeling sick is great news! So, while I hate that you are struggling with being sick, I do hope it means everything is going well! Wishing you the best at tomorrow’s ultrasound, and hoping you are able to get some sleep tonight in-spite of the inevitable nerves.

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  2. I am sorry but also glad you feel so sick :). I always told my husband I feel ‘good bad’ because I was so very grateful for the nausea regardless of how physically uncomfortable it is. It is such a very good sign. Fingers crossed and big hugs. Ginger ale saved me although I only drank it after 12 weeks because I was afraid to not feel nausea. Xo

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    • I have a love/hate relationship with the nausea! Sometimes I forget that it is such a good sign, until I have a few moments without it – then I immediately miss it and want it back! I’ve been sucking on ginger candies, but I feel the same away about not wanting to do anything to make it completely go away. Hoping it brings good things for tomorrow 🙂

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  3. I’m sorry you’re so nauseous, but I agree with the others, that it’s probably a good sign! And I wouldn’t freak out too much when you have moments of non-illness…think of it as a short reprieve! 🙂 Crossing fingers that your ultrasound goes amazing tomorrow and you hear that heartbeat loud and clear!

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  4. I pretty much gagged/puked/slept through my first trimester–I don’t really remember anything but the ultrasounds. So, sounds like things are going well! But yes, I did vomit in my OBGYN’s office before a couple of my early ultrasounds. Take some breath mints & kleenex. Ibelieve everything will be ok ❤ XOXO

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    • Yeah, nerves on top of nausea is a tough combo, so these ultrasounds really do me in! I have yet to throw up, but am spending most of my time gagging, sleeping, or trying to find something I can possibly put in my stomach. Thank you so much for your positive thoughts! ❤

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  5. One of my OBs said that the sicker you are, the higher chance of a good outcome. So take that to heart. Although I know none of that logic really matters after RPL. Hoping for a great update later today. Maybe the good news will even make you vomit ;-).

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  6. Yucky, I am so sorry you feel so icky. It is not fun even when we know we want it to stick around to reassure us that all is well. Thinking about you and I hope that today’s US goes so well. Praying against the fears and hoping you are flooded with peace! XO

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  7. Praying for another amazing ultrasound tomorrow! The morning sickness is a good sign. I take it as a things are going well, and although its scary when it stops it won’t be the same daily. Take blessings in the feelings. 🙂

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  8. I hope that the ultrasound went well today. Congratulations on being pregnant TODAY. Take it one day at a time, one moment at a time. RPL is a total b*@^#. I have a home doppler that I am done with and would like to pass on to you if you would like it. Let me know if you would like it.

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  9. I really admire your honesty here… the nausea could also becoming from nerves. Stress and anxiousness can play havoc with our tummies – easy for me to say but try to relax, focus on other things and think positive thoughts. Pass your fighting spirit to little bean x

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    • I definitely notice an increase in the nausea during the most stressful moments (i.e. before an ultrasound) and I generally have a bit of a nervous stomach, so I know that’s not helping. Trying my hardest to stay present and be grateful for each day I am pregnant, nausea and all!

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