and then there was a cyst

I’ve managed to hold it together at all my RE appointments. I’ve taken hard news in stride, discussed my losses without even a lip quiver, and remained composed and upbeat through all my appointments. I have a good poker face that I’ve relied on for years to keep my emotionally private self, private. So even though I constantly want to cry when I’m in that office, I’ve always waited until I get home to let out the rage-filled tears of frustration.

But then there was today.

After our failed IUI last cycle, my husband and I discussed at length how to move forward. We had jumped quickly to IUI because we had one month left of 100% infertility coverage until my husband left his job. The IUI would be free….so why not? Even though we’ve been getting pregnant naturally on our own, after the trauma of the last year and a half why not be as aggressive as we can and maybe cut out a few months of heartache?

But it didn’t work. And now we had to decide whether to continue doing IUIs and pay out of pocket, or go back to the natural way. Part of me didn’t want to give up the momentum of the IUIs, thinking it had to work in the next few cycles. But it was hard to justify that out of pocket expense when we had gotten pregnant on our own.

But then we got a little gift….as my husband was looking through his exit documents from his old company, we discovered that his health insurance wouldn’t end until the last day of the month following the month of his last day of work. Meaning we had 100% infertility coverage until the last day of September. Meaning we could do another free IUI.

This news lifted me and made me feel so optimistic about going forth. We had a great weekend celebrating my husband’s 34th birthday, and I was able to bounce back from the disappointing BFN of a few days prior. I spoke to my doctor and we discussed what we’d do differently, knowing now how I respond to the medications. Because I responded so quickly, I would go in for a cycle day 2 scan and start monitoring follicle growth earlier. She would switch me to Clomid. And we would try to grow a few more follicles with a more aggressive dosage.

I arrived this morning for my scan with the same familiar butterflies in my stomach, but I felt so optimistic about this cycle that I pretty easily talked myself out of the nerves. I laid down ready for the exam, and a few moments after that lovely wand took a tour of my ovaries, the resident doing my scan pointed something out on the screen to my doctor.

“You have a large cyst on your right ovary, so we need to sit this cycle out,” the doctor explained.

Thud.

She asked if I was having any pain in that area, to which I had no idea. Between the cramps and stomachaches I get from the progesterone, the fertility meds, and my period I’m used to having a painful party in my stomach. To the point where I’ve stopped paying attention and hardly feel anything anymore.

She went on to explain the cyst was twice the size of my ovary, was probably from the Femara, and then said a bunch of other things that I couldn’t take in because I was too busy focusing on not crying. She told me I should avoid any kind of jarring exercise or sex until it was gone.

And then that moment came when I just knew no matter how much face scrunching or quick blinking I did, the tears were on their way and there was no turning back. And these were not dainty, controllable tears. I had a total meltdown in the office. To the point where I had doctors, nurses, and residents offering hugs, tissues, and sympathetic looks.

“IT’S JUST TAKING SO LONG!!!!” was all I could really get out between the tears.

What do you do when you need to get your ugly cry face out, complete with loud heaves, uncontrollable sobs, and dramatic gasps for air, but you’re in a public place? When you know you need a good hour or so before you can realistically compose yourself? You run out of there immediately and forget to book your next appointment or pick up any of your paperwork. And when all the rampant tears start coming out the second you step outside, you stop caring that you look like a disheveled maniac.

At least that’s what I did.

If we sit out this cycle, the very earliest we’ll see a positive pregnancy test is the end of October. Thirteen months after our last positive test.

I want this year of my life back.

when will you ever show me something good?

when will you ever show me something good?

 

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37 thoughts on “and then there was a cyst

  1. My heart hurts for you reading this. I am so very sorry. I wish I had some words of wisdom or advice, but I don’t. I think you deserve to shed all the tears you need. I’ve said it before and I’ll continue to say it: none of this is fair.

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  2. Oh I am so sorry sugars! I know how awful it is to sit out a cycle. When I was doing treatments there were cycles I had to sit out as well. But I’m trusting that God has the perfect time for your child to be born. Sending you lots and lots of hugs! xo

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  3. My heart aches for you..It just doesn’t seem fair. Life is broken and hard and doesn’t make sense sometimes. Praying for quick healing for you. Emotionally, physically, and mentally. Hang in there and take care of yourself ❤

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  4. I am so sorry. Never be embarrassed for those hysterically cries. I did when I was told of my miscarriage, in between my hysterical sobs, the only thing I could say was “When can I drink alcohol?” So I felt they thought I was an alcoholic emotional crazy. ❤ Hang in there and take care of yourself. Praying for you!

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  5. I’m so sorry for your bad day. I totally had the full ugly cry breakdown with my second miscarriage. They wouldn’t let me drive home until I stopped hyperventilating. Taking a month off totally sucks. We’re in the same boat now waiting for my TSH to come down.

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      • I feel like I’m just following in your footsteps. Yesterday they found something on the saline ultrasound that may require removal. Unclear whether its a polyp or scarring. I hate the idea that since we didn’t get conclusive chromosome analysis that its possible that this potential polyp and the TSH may not even have anything to do with the losses yet we are wasting time treating them. Don’t our bodies understand that we don’t have this sort of patience!

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        • Agreed!! We never got chromosome analysis on any of our losses, so we have no idea either if it was my TSH or uterine septum or something else which caused the losses. I hope we found the cause, but not knowing is really hard. We also lost so much time fixing those issues! I’m so sorry for your setback, but also hope that you’re getting the bottom of everything!

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  6. I am so, so very sorry to hear this! 😦 Please don’t feel bad about crying in the office. Be kind to yourself and know that you always have support here! Hugs! ❤

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  7. Public breakdowns are the worse. I had a cyst that wouldn’t go away and eventually needed to be surgically removed – cried over that guy many times to my nurses. Then when I was 4 weeks pregnant with the twins I was at work and started bleeding and had a full blown panic attack so bad my boss had to drive me to the doctor. No one gets the struggles and the emotional trauma this brings on us until they live it. Rooting for you, and hoping that cyst is gone quick.

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    • I don’t blame you for the tears over those things, they sound incredibly difficult and scary. I really hate crying in public, but unfortunately I’ve started to get used to it over the course of this journey. Thank you for the support and nice words. ❤

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  8. Oh hon, I’m so sorry. My heart hurts reading this. Delays like this when you’ve already been through so much are just cruel. Praying it resolves itself quickly. Hugs hon.

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  9. I am so sorry for your losses:( I too had to sit out a couple of cycles due to those damn cysts! It’s so annoying…it’s always hurry up and then…wait. One thing that helped me was I took it as a sort of free pass to take a break from all of the worry for at least one month. I know it stinks because of the insurance coverage but maybe try to plan some fun things with your husband to help the time go a little quicker. We went on a trip to the Finger Lakes and enjoyed lots of wine…it helped:) Hang in there!

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  10. Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. I find it really anger inducing that some people just get hit after hit on this baby making journey. It just doesn’t seem fair. I’m like you in that I hold it together, often until I get to the car but on the day my Dr told me I miscarried before this one I just lost it. She was so quick with the tissue box it made me think she was used to it. The receptionists were great too and did everything really quickly but, yeah, it’s hard when it’s not in your nature to do that kind of thing publicly so I really felt for you as I read that. Hoping the cyst goes away quickly and you can get back on track somehow. Thinking of you (((hug)))

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    • Thank you so much for your empathy and understanding. When I broke down at the RE’s office I also got the feeling they were used to it, it definitely did not phase anyone. But yeah I’m not so much into public crying, although it’s happening more and more lately I’ve started to get used to it! Hugs back at you ❤

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