to test or not to test

I’m currently 12 days post IUI and I haven’t cracked yet. I still have yet to sneak into my bathroom and test in advance of my beta on Thursday morning. I keep debating when I should, if I should. I make the decision to do it and then I change my mind, feeling too hesitant and anxious.  And so I’ve come to one conclusion.

I have FOPOAS. 

Fear Of Peeing On A Stick.

That little stick has so much power over me. It can rip my heart out of my chest, sending my tear-streaked face down another dark spiral. Or it can quietly offer the promise of joy. That double line will stare back at me and whisper, you’ve been through so much, but the end of your heartache is near.

I stare at my unopened boxes of pregnancy tests and silently ask, are you going to be kind to me? I try to tap into my psychic powers and visualize which result it will be. But despite my attempts at reading the future and sweet talking those sticks into making a deal with me, I’m too afraid to know the answer.

One thing infertility and pregnancy loss has taught me is how to prepare for disappointment. So much so, that I experience preemptive depression during my two week wait. A subconscious progression from enthused and positive during the days leading up to ovulation, to slowly feeling more and more demoralized during the two weeks that follow. I start to doubt, start being afraid to think too positively, start being afraid of the let down. I become consumed with the idea that it’s another failed cycle, and quickly the sadness kicks in, the frustration, and the early depression. 

It’s in those moments I’m most tempted to test.

Those moments where I start to feel like I am going crazy. My knack for bracing for bad news and the added progesterone hormones create a perfect storm of torment and tears. I rationalize that no matter the news that the test brings, I can’t feel any worse. I’m already feeling this way because I’m so certain it will be negative. But maybe, just maybe it will be positive. That tiny sliver of hope that we all cling to as our life line. Just maybe, I’ll take the test and it will be positive, and I will be relieved of these horrible feelings.

But still, I don’t test.

I worry the most about ambiguous results. Is it the trigger? Is it not the trigger? Is it too early? Maybe it’s not too early?

I worry about dragging out the pain of a negative result longer than I need to. If I test at 10DPO and it’s negative I will cry, even when I can rationalize that maybe it’s too early. And then I’ll spend 4 days feeling terrible and upset, only to get another confirmed negative through the beta, and have to relieve all those feelings over again.

And often, it’s my good moments that keep me from testing. The times where I feel okay and hopeful, and I don’t want the feeling ripped from me just yet. 

I will force myself to test before I get the call from the nurse with my beta results. I will prepare myself for either outcome. And if it’s not the news we want, we will pick up and try again, like we’ve done so many times before.

And in the meantime, I’ve made a list of my consolation prizes if I am not pregnant.

  1. Take a bunch of friends to Disneyland with our new passes and ride every roller coaster over and over again.
  2. Drink lots of wine. I haven’t had wine since my post BFN binge last cycle and every time I get a waft of that lovely liquid I miss it so!
  3. Drown myself in boba, my delicious caffeinated sugary treat that I feel too guilty to touch most of the time.
  4. Take a long, scorching hot bath, preferably while drinking wine and/or Boba.
  5. Repeat #1 – 4 until I am no longer crying!
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38 thoughts on “to test or not to test

  1. I totally understand this and I hate RPL for what it has done to me. The idea of 2 pink lines is almost as scary as a negative test. The expectation of hurt that comes along with the positive test is unfair to say the least.
    Anyways, wishing the best over the next few days.

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    • Thanks so much. Yeah, it’s all so loaded. I get so wrapped up with achieving the next pregnancy, and then I remember that that’s just step 1. There’s so much more fear and emotion even after the 2 pink lines. Thanks so much for the support ❤

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  2. Im with My Perfect Breakdown. I no longer long for the double line like I once did, for each time its been so It’s not ended well. so do what your heart tells you sweetie and only test if you feel your strong enough for the outcome.

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  3. Wow, you have some serious willpower! But I totally get what you’re saying about RPL. I hope that this is it for you, whenever you do test. Hang in there girl!!

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  4. I agree with My Perfect Breakdown as well. Recurrent loss has replaced the joy of a second line with wonder. You wonder if you are going to ever see two lines again, you wonder if the two lines was a mistake, you wonder if this will be the one who makes it through. I want so badly to know one way or another but it takes extreme control to not lose it when the test is stark white or when AF arrives before you can test.

    Your plan sounds lovely but I sincerely hope that you won’t need the wine and bath for a very long time.

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    • I hope I can shelve the wine, baths and roller coasters for a very long time as well…You are so right about the wonder part. I’m hoping so hard for a positive test, but then that’s really when the fear and anxiety kick in. Thanks so much for the support ❤

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  5. You are so strong. I don’t know that I’ve ever made it past 9 DPO without testing!

    As for your consolation prize list, it sounds very similar to mine although I include lots of sushi with my wine. It is my food weakness!

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  6. Wowzas! You have some willpower! You go girl! Peeing on a stick and seeing a one liner doesn’t seem to bother me anymore and I don’t know if it’s because I’m so hopeful that one day I will and that I’m one cycle closer or if it’s because I’ve become so numb to just seeing one line. I’m praying for you to find hope again during the two week wait and anticipate nothing but exciting things. Those lies and doubts filled with discouraging thoughts are just from the devil trying to steal everything he knows to steal….which is your joy, hope, peace, faith, etc. Love ya and I’m excited to hear of a BFP 🙂

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    • I think I need some kind of immersion therapy where I just pee on sticks every day to get use to seeing the one line, so it doesn’t scare me so much! I try to console myself also by thinking of it as one month closer to an eventual BFP, and a sticky one….we will get there one day. Thanks so much for your support and inspiration. Much love lady! ❤

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  7. You need to do what your heart tells you to do. And you need to be ready. As you know, I did the opposite and those feelings you mentioned… is it too early? Should I test again? Maybe it will be different.. all came up. I don’t regret testing early as I have now control back of my life for the time being BUT I want to do what you are doing next time. I want to wait and let my hope and faith last a little longer. It’s worth it. There is no right or wrong, it is what will work best for you. I am thinking about you and hoping for the best! I have been waiting for a post from you and can’t wait to see a happy one in a couple days. Seriously. Positive thoughts and prayers to you. 🙂

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    • Thanks so much for your sweet words. I’m thinking next time I might need to try testing early and do what you do did so I don’t have so much anxiety and anticipation for the test by waiting so long! Either way, an emotional roller coaster. I can’t stop symptom spotting, and my moods become dependent on whether I’m feeling any at that moment, even though I know they could all be from the progesterone anyway. Really hoping so hard this happens soon for both us! Thanks so much for your sweet support ❤

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      • I think the best thing about testing early for me is now I am certain I’m not pregnant I am weening myself off the progesterone and I am feeling more like my happy self again. It was rough. Progesterone sucks and the anticipation doesn’t help. Keep hanging on and do what feels right. I’ll be thinking about you this week. It just has to work for one of us!!

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  8. Uggh- I always hate testing. I feel like I am going to faint and cry and scream all at once. I have a good feeling about this for you- sending lots of good thoughts!

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  9. I was just telling my therapist last night that I feel like I am on a constant roller coaster: CD1: Start of coaster, I’m feeling at my lowest point of defeat, ever so slowly the disappointment fades and the hope starts to return, hitting it’s highest at ovulation, and then during the 2ww I plummet back down again, hope disappears. Up, down, every 2 weeks. It’s exhausting. I think holding off to test until beta’s is a good idea, so then you are prepared for the call after. FX for nothing but good news!!!

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  10. I have everything crossed for you that a positive test will happen. I totally get this post though, to pee or not to pee, whichever way you’re screwed. I had to smile at the Disney part, always good to have a Plan B after Plan Pee! 😉

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  11. wow, you’re strong!! I totally relate to this. Testing after RPL is such a mind game, one full of excitement, dread, major anxiety, giddiness, fear and a million other things! I test and then can’t look at it. It is so silly. It just sits on my bathroom counter and I stand just outside the doorway, afraid to go in, as if the test is going to jump off the counter and attack me! Hoping and praying for a positive outcome for you!! Hugs!

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    • I get scared to look at it too, and so does my husband! (he always insists on being there when I test!). But you’re right, it’s such a mind game. Right now I’m so focused on getting the positive again, I’m not even realizing all the crazy emotions I’ll have when it actually does come. Hugs back at ya ❤

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