when to try again

We’ve come a long way, but the question always remains the same. How far into this journey are we?

I’ve had two miscarriages. I’ve seen three gynecologists, one perinatologist, one urologist, and one fertility doctor. I’ve undergone full fertility testing. I’ve had surgery. My husband’s had surgery. I’m on three different medications. We’re approaching six months since our last loss, and we are close to getting the approval to try again.

But is it enough?

Even with the hard fight that we’ve fought to get here, is it enough? Will our next pregnancy be successful? Or will it lead once again to loss, leading us to IVF, to more anguish, to more years of fighting this fight?

I want to try again. Soon. Now. But I am scared. Even with everything we’ve fixed, we could still miscarry again. Luck may not be on our side. There may be some other mysterious medical reason why this is happening. And how would I cope with another loss?

“I feel really positive for you,” our fertility doctor has told us. “Do you?” she asked. Possibly. I want to. No. Not at all. I am scared, cautious, hesitant to leave this reprieve from trying to conceive. I feel anguished from the desire for it to all be ok. I get momentary glimpses of happiness by thinking that it might be. But then I pull back, not wanting to let myself go there. It’s easier without hope and optimism. You don’t have as far to fall.

In two weeks I’ll see my fertility doctor again, she’ll look at my uterus and let me know. It’s time to try again.

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