i didn’t think i could

My brother and sister-in-law’s baby is due in 8 weeks. Thier baby, measuring 1 week ahead, strong, and healthy. My nephew, ready to enter the world the same week my own little baby was to be born. My baby that will never be. But I feel excited. And I didn’t think I could.

It was a long road to get here. I’ve had to take deep breaths and face situations I was scared to be in. Spending time with her pregnant belly. Attending baby showers. Listening to stories of ultrasounds, and what will happen when she goes into labor. I often felt skittish and scared, a knot in my stomach, an ache in my heart. But I slowly stopped being scared of the sadness. As I let go of the pressure to constantly feel happy, happy, happy, and let myself feel whatever I was really feeling, I became less anguished. As I did that I finally started to feel at peace. And with peace, slowly came a happiness and excitement, where I was finally in a place where I could embrace my future nephew.

My miscarriages left a big hole in my heart. I’ve decided to let my nephew fill a little bit of that hole. To embrace the joy around his birth, and feel excited for the bond that will be created. I’m looking forward to this little person to enter our lives. A little boy who will resemble all the cuteness and charm that my little brother had as a child. A boy who will hopefully one day be the older cousin of my own child.

And it’s still not without moments of sadness for my own losses. But I ride the waves and tell myself it’s ok.  It’s ok to feel two emotions at once. Two emotions that seem at odds with each other, the paradox, both competing with the other. Joy and loss can co-exist. I didn’t think I could get here. But I’m here. And it’s ok.

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